Condoms and Deodorant
by MadWithMusic
Summary: It's Dean's 35th Birthday today. Everything seems to be going wrong for him. Sam forgot and is more focused on a job, which turns out to be a bust. Dean ends up getting quite the fun surprise later from a certain trench-coated angel. (And don't be fooled by the title. This isn't smut or a sexual story at all. Just kind of fluffy. :3 )


Pairing: Destiel

AU: Oh, just a universe where ALL OF THEIR CLOSEST FRIENDS WEREN'T BRUTALLY MURDERED

* * *

Waking up from a terrible sleep and a crick in the neck in a dank hotel room. Not exactly Dean's idea of a birthday. Then again, hunters rarely ever have adequate celebrations. Dean could smell some cheap instant coffee in the other room. Sam was probably sitting there with his laptop open and some local newspapers scattered about searching for a hunt in town.

Dean yawned as he climbed out of bed. He took a swig of whiskey out of a flask on the dresser and proceeded to walk into the bathroom. Dean groaned as he inspected himself in the mirror for a moment. He ran his fingers through his hair before leaning down and splashing some cool water on his face.

"Hello, Dean." Cas said.

Dean jumped, causing him to splash water down his shirt. "Dammit, Cas. What'd I tell you about flying in without notice?"

"My apologies, Dean." Cas replied.

"What'd you want?" Dean sighed.

"I believe it's me who should be asking you that question." Cas stated.

"Huh?"

"It is the anniversary of your birth today, is it not?" Cas asked.

"Well, yeah. I don't think we were really doing anything special." Dean shrugged. "Big deal. Whatever."

"Human traditions are so petty sometimes. Especially when it comes to children." Cas mused. "I've never seen the sense in congratulating people on getting pregnant. All they did was have sexual intercourse which caused a completely natural thing to occur. You don't see women getting congratulated when they menstruate or men getting congratulated when they become aroused. It's all a natural bodily function and process. I j-"

"Are you going somewhere with this? Because I'm really not in the mood for biology 101." Dean leaned back against the sink.

"I believe I got diverted from my original point." Cas stated.

"No shit." Dean smirked.

"No, there was no defecation involved. My point was to wish you a Happy Birthday." Cas continued. "I also know that it's customary to give someone a gift on their birthday. As you've witnessed, I'm not very...fluent in human interaction and I'm not sure what you'd be interested in. You can just tell me what you'd like and I can retrieve it for you."

Dean laughed. "I don't expect anything from you, Cas. You can go back to doing whatever you do."

"I know you don't expect anything, Dean, but you deserve something. You spend your days driving around in that car of yours saving lives and the occasional world. I think you should get something for your birthday. It's time to get something back." Cas said sternly.

"I signed up for this life, Cas. No one owes me anything." Dean replied.

"Either way. I _want_ to get you something. So what would you like?" Cas asked.

Dean shrugged. "I don't know. I have practically everything I need."

"Well what do you _want_?" Cas demanded.

"You're so pushy." Dean smiled. "And I don't know. If I did know, I can assure you it would be completely irrational and unrealistic. Surprise me. I'm sure I'll love whatever you get me.

"Very well then." Cas sighed. "I'll return later on today."

"You do that." Dean chuckled.

"And I'd get you anything, Dean. I don't care how irrational and unrealistic it might be. Today's about you and you only. You deserve to be happy. Well, as happy as you can get." Cas replied.

"Gold star for effort, Cas." Dean snorted. "Now go do your duties or whatever it is you do when you don't hang with us."

Cas disappeared and Sam popped his head in the bathroom. "Were you just talking to someone?"

"Oh. Yeah." Dean answered. "Cas stopped by to wish me a Happy Birthday."

"Today's your birthday isn't it?" Sam mused. "Happy 36th."

"It's actually the 35th, but close enough." Dean smiled bitterly.

"My bad." Sam chuckled. "35th."

Dean walked back to his nightstand and proceeded to chug the flask of whiskey. He sighed as he turned to his duffel and dug out a clean pair of clothes.

* * *

"Now how long has your husband been gone?" Dean asked the teary-eyed woman sitting in her living room.

"It's been two weeks now. I'm just so worried!" She cried. "I haven't seen or heard from him at all!"

"So tell us, Mrs. Blake, had Thomas been acting cold, distant, or not all there the last few weeks you saw him?" Sam said sympathetically.

"Yes. He'd been acting strange like he'd been anxious or nervous about something." She answered.

Sam and Dean exchanged a glance.

"One last question. Has Thomas ever cheated on your or have you ever suspected him of cheating on you?" Sam asked gently.

Mrs. Blake sniffed before answering. "A few months ago I found out that he'd been having an affair with the secretary at his office. He broke it off after I found out. It really hurt our relationship so we decided that we could use some time apart. He got a hotel room on the other side of town. Then, two weeks ago he called to tell me that he was coming back, but I guess he never did. Someone must've taken him."

"Well, the bureau is going to do everything we can to find your husband, Mrs. Blake." Dean assured her standing up. "We'll get back with you shortly."

"Well that went nowhere." Sam retorted as they walked down the steps of the house.

"She is so far in denial that I don't think she's ever coming out." Dean snorted. "Tom's probably down in the Cayman islands getting a little sandy with the secretary."

"Dean." Sam sighed. "You're so disgusting sometimes. You know that?"

"I'm proud of it." Dean smirked.

Sam looked up at the sky and then down at his watch. He scowled before turning to Dean. "Hey. You want to go to bar and get a beer?"

"You?" Dean scoffed. "You are actually _asking_ if _I_ want to go to a bar? Are you sick? Is someone dying?"

"No. I mean, there's nothing better to do tonight." Sam shrugged.

"Yeah. I guess you're right. Nothing special..." Dean muttered.

"Great!" Sam smiled.

* * *

Dean moved his glass around on the counter, watching the ice swish around inside it. The sound of Sam's phone getting a text message went off. Sam flipped open the phone and a look of horror and surprise crossed his face.

"Sam who is it?" Dean demanded.

"It's Cas. We need to go now. He's in trouble." Sam stated.

Dean threw twenty bucks on the counter and ran out the door to the Impala. Sam gave him the address and Dean sped down streets until they were almost to the place.

"Wait. Why'd he text you? Why wouldn't Cas text me? I'm the one he likes." Dean asked.

"Thanks, Dean." Sam rolled his eyes. "Cas likes us both by the way. I was probably just the first number he could hit or something. He said it was urgent."

Dean had the gas pedal all the way to the floor as they pulled off the road near an abandoned warehouse. The Impala skidded across the dirt as Dean brought it to a halt. He and Sam climbed out the car and ran towards the warehouse. Sam grabbed his arm before Dean opened the door.

"Dean. You should wait outside. I'll go in and just see if anything's in there. If Cas's in trouble, it means angels or demons. You should stand here and make sure that no more are on there way." Sam said.

Dean scowled, but knew that there was no time to argue if Cas was hurt. "Fine. Make it quick. We need to find Cas."

Sam nodded and drew his gun, slipping into the warehouse. Dean waited in tense silence as Sam was in the warehouse. This was taking too long, but Sam was right. If demons or angels were involved, they couldn't risk anymore getting in.

"Dean!" Sam yelled loudly, gun shots being fired.

Dean ran into the warehouse, but saw nothing. It was pitch black. "Sam!" Dean called out.

After a moment, the lights flicked on and he was greeted with a loud, "Surprise!"

Dean scanned all the faces in the crowd. In the smiling group stood Jo, Ellen, Bobby, Ash, Garth, Sam, Cas, Charlie, Gabriel, and Kevin. There were large, helium-inflated balloons with the number 35 on them and 'Happy Birthday' on others. Dean's favorite part was that there was a large food table in the middle, which he instantly skipped to.

"You guys got pie!" He exclaimed. "All kinds of pie!"

"Yes. We did." Cas replied.

"Wait." Dean paused. "Did you organize this, Cas?"

"Of course not. It was your friends' idea. Sam originally thought it up though." Cas answered. "Although, don't worry, Dean. I still managed to get you something."

"I said you didn't need to, Cas." Dean sighed.

"Well, I did anyways. Deal with it." Cas said sternly. "We all got you something."

Cas stepped aside, giving Dean a view of some terribly wrapped boxes.

"That's more than I expected." Dean mused.

"Well, as hard as it is for you to believe, we like you." Cas stated.

Dean rolled his eyes. "Shut up and have some pie, Cas."

"But it tastes like molecules. I taste every single molecule in it and they all taste terrible." Cas protested.

"You said I should be happy. So make me happy and stuff that large mouth of yours with some cherry pie." Dean ordered. "And pie and terrible will never be used in the same sentence."

Cas glared at him, but allowed a plate with a piece of pie to appear in his hand. "I never even did use them in the same sentence."

"You might as well have." Dean smirked.

"Anyways. I might as well give you these now." Cas pulled a wadded up plastic bag out of a large pocket inside his coat.

Dean took it and opened it up. He cast Cas a wary glance as he pulled a purple box labeled 'Trojan Condoms'.

"Condoms?" Dean laughed.

"I thought of things I know you like. And I know you like sex. Lots of sex. So I got condoms. Safe sex is good. You don't want an STD, Dean." Cas explained.

"What are you? An angel or a sex ed teacher?" Dean chuckled.

"Well, just in case, I got you something else, too." Cas stated.

Dean looked back in the bag and pulled out a stick of deodorant. "Deodorant now?"

"It's apple pie scented so when you're hunting and you start perspiration, you'll smell like pie. If there's two things I know about you, Dean Winchester, it's that you love sex and love pie." Cas added.

"Couldn't ask for anything better." Dean smiled. "How many people can say _their_ best friend bought them condoms and apple pie deodorant?"

"I suppose not many." Cas answered.

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas. "Well, I'm glad I can."

Cas hesitantly hugged Dean back, as if he was going to violently jerk back after a moment, but what Dean actually did took him by surprise. He pulled away from Cas in a non-violent fashion. Dean then smiled slightly at Cas and then leaned in, softly brushing their lips together. When he pulled back, Cas tilted his head and furrowed his brow, trying to comprehend the current situation.

"What was that?" Cas asked after a moment.

"That was me saying thank you." Dean replied.

"Oh."

"Sorry." Dean said, slightly disappointed.

"No. It's fine, Dean." Cas assured. "I just think you should be a little more gratuitous in the future."

Cas smiled up at Dean and then wrapped his arms back around the hunter.

* * *

A/N: I just wrote this because obviously today is Dean's birthday. For me it is. I mean it's the 25th actually at like 1 AM in the morning, but close enough. The other day I ended up fangirling with my therapist for like fifteen minutes. Holy crap. Fangirling my computer isn't a real word and I clicked on it to see what the suggestions were and the only suggestion was 'fingering'. That's definitely not what happens in therapy. At least not in mine...


End file.
